16 things i learned so far in my lifetime.

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine.. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

International Rules Of Manhood

01. Under no circumstances may two men use an umbrella.

02. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

a. When heroic dog dies to save it's master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts to unbutton her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into the "Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.

03. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

04. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

05. If you've know a guy for more that 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

06. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden, however complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

07. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.

08. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

09. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game, but you may never ask who's playing.

10. You may flatulate in front of a women only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a top-less model and only when it's free.

12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Never. Issue closed.

15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed women must remain sober enough to fight.

18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19. If you compliment a guy on his six pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a. Yeah, Baby, Push it! b. C'mon, give me one more, Harder! c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: ie. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23. Never allow a phone conversation with a women to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a mistake it was occurs.

25. It is acceptable for you to driver her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26. Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28. There is no reason for a man to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.